Those who shame single mothers can shut up because they are not God – Nigerian woman who remarried after surviving “domestic violence” shares her story
A Nigerian lawyer and mother of three, Ovularia Ragnar Adannaya, has shared her personal story of domestic violence, how she got out of an alleged abusive marriage, went back to school and remarried years later.
Taking to Facebook on Sunday, May 16, Ovularia, who has been married to her second husband, Tunde, for 13 years, said she shared her story to encourage divorcees, and to shut the mouths of those who shame single mothers.
“I am sharing this story to encourage every divorcee out there. I am also sharing this so that those of you who derive joy in shaming single mothers can keep shut cos you’re not God.
“I am a survivor of domestic violence; After 9years with 3 children and repeated attempts to escape, I left with nothing but my 3 children on the morning of August 26th 1998 at the age of 28.
We were basically homeless squatters because no one wanted to accommodate a mother and three children especially that my vindictive ex-husband was threatening those trying to help me and kids with police arrest and accusing any male helper of being my lover. Everyone was understandably being careful not to get involved.
There were no mobile phones and social media in 1998 to even reach out for help from organizations that can help. My ex husband was a pastor and his friend, my dad, was superintendent of police and divisional crime officer DCO as at then.
No one wanted family/police wahala most especially since my dad was strongly against divorce.
So my children and I ended up living in a small church in Alagbado and the pastor used to put a tray down and urge members to contribute what he tagged Mercy fund for us.
Some members took turns bringing us food and clothes for a month then we moved in with my younger sister in Ago palace way Okota Isolo for the period it took my elder sisters to go plead with my father to let me return to his residence in Ekpoma. (The reason being that my father said he gave me out to his friend at 19 and vowed that no matter how badly I was treated I must stay married till death do us part, that if ever I disobeyed him and leave, I should go into hotel and prostitute rather than bring him the shame of being parent of a divorcee…story for another day).
My divorce was filed 1998 and final in March 19th 2000-bride price was returned. I was 30, a high school cert holder.I decided to go back to school for my dream career-a lawyer with lots of help from Angels I met along the way.
I got my LL.B law Bachelors degree from Ekpoma, went to look for job in lagos and got a receptionist offer from an oil servicing firm in Victoria Island. Then I enrolled for my Master’s degree at Unilag Akoka after attending lagos campus law school and got called to the bar. I became secretary/legal adviser of my company.
I always wanted to remarry eventually. But being divorced with 3 children makes it twice harder, some men feel they’re doing you a favor because you’re a divorcee with children termed “baggages”. Others couldn’t even consider marriage at all, they wanted me as mistress or side chick.
I started praying for a life partner, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a saint. I just wanted God to settle me and my children and surprise all them naysayers and haters.
So whenever there was an altar call for single needing a spouse and I joined to come out, there were lots of hush gossips and laughter and smirks about me. Some told me to my face to forget marriage and go back to my ex or become second wife.
The Pastor didn’t agree with me, he said God hated divorce I should go back to my ex-husband and be praying for him as a woman of virtue. Everytime I heard that, I changed church. I don’t want to be ‘a woman of virtue’
During the period of working and doing my Master’s in Law at Akoka, one day, after midnight of March 16th 2008,I slept and dreamt I was in an empty courtroom approaching the judge but the seat was empty and a man in brown suit was standing facing the judge and someone behind me said that’s your “husband”!
He was turning to look at me as I tried to see his face I woke up. As a single mom/parent since my divorced with 3 kids the past 10 years (1998-2008) I had been praying for a good man to remarry but my options was narrow due to my predicament and the society/church always reminds me of that. But I just knew I wanted to get married again and experience love.
Anyway, Irked by the useless dream I got on my knees and bind and cast my dream ‘spirit marine husband’ as my mom calls such.
I got back on the bed awaiting sleep when my phone beeped around after 1am. I looked, it was an email dated March 17th 2008. I thought no need to waste my data, I’ll read it when I go to work in the morning.
At work I opened the email it was from Him who was to become my husband.(copy of the email below)
Back in 2007 December my now husband said he dreamt in the US; he saw a pretty fair lady who told him she’ll marry him. He called his family in Nigeria when he woke up and they told him to pray against spirit wife and familiar spirit.
On that sunday 16th March 2008 he was having conversations with his friend who happens to be my cousin in California also about his spirit wife dream and said he hopes to find a good wife eventually, my cousin then remembered my younger sisters who were single in Lagos and told him he has some single pretty cousins he can introduce to him.
Because my cousin didn’t have pictures of my two single sisters alone, he sent the Easter one we all took together and when my husband saw the pictures he said he recognized me as the lady he dreamt of-The “marine-spirit wife”
He then sent me the email I saw 1am cos of time difference and decided to read when I got to work. I read it and ignored. He sent a second email.
When he said: “you’re the woman of my dreams” in my mind I said “abia!” Story story! He sent more emails and asked for my number. We got chatting.
He proposed during one of those chats i said yes and told me he was coming to marry me in May.
On May 8th 2008 he came; I went to pick him up at Muritala international arrival and met him in person for the first time ever after several emails and yahoo messenger chats.
Exactly 8 days after (shortest courtship ever) on the 16h of May 2008 we had a shotgun wedding. That was exactly 13 years ago today.
We still call each other crazy and desperate for the hasty nuptials. I still love Idris Elba and Denzel Washington and our Naija Phyno.
He is still planning to run off and marry Diana Ross and loves Mariah Carey, Serena Williams and Taraji P Henson (why else do you think I hate those bitches?!) but we’re still together, crazy and happy; laugh over irrelevant things and share gossips like barrack housewives.
It’s been rocky crazy good and fun! No regrets. My ex-husband who was so sure I’ll be back on my knees begging with my children because no one will marry me and when I get overwhelmed with cost of raising 3 children I’ll return and those men who acted like I wasn’t good enough for them are all occupying my timeline everytime I post pictures shouting wawu wawu like ambulance.
Dia fada! (Their dads) Happy wedding anniversary to us. Believe in your dreams. It is not over until God says so. If you want it bad enough you’ll get it (whatever “IT” is for you all, I hope this encourages you) Thanks for reading.
Written by admin